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6 min read 6 stepsMay 8, 2026Verified May 2026

How to Write a Letter of Instruction for Your Family

A practical, heartfelt template for the side letter that walks your family through accounts, passwords, and final wishes after you are gone.

At a Glance

Start With Who to Call First

~42s

Open the letter with a short list of the first five or six people who should be contacted within hours of your death. Include the executor or successor trustee, your attorney, your closest family members, your pastor or chaplain if you have one, and your funeral home of choice if one is already selected. Next to each name, write the full phone number, the relationship, and a note about why this person matters at this moment. For example: My executor, Robert, will start the legal work. My pastor, Rev. Lee, can lead the service. The list orients whoever finds the letter and gives them a clear first task.

Quick Tip

Write the names and numbers in pen, not pencil. So they do not fade if the letter sits in a drawer for years.

List Every Account, Subscription, and Bill

~38s

Walk through every place where money flows in or out. Include bank accounts, investment accounts, retirement accounts, life insurance policies, the mortgage, utilities, internet, streaming services, gym memberships, credit cards, and any small recurring bills like a magazine. For each one, write the company name, the account number or last four digits, the rough balance, and the website. Do not write full passwords in this part of the letter for safety reasons. Instead, point to a separate password list kept in a secure spot. This list spares your family days of paperwork.

Warning

Cancel digital subscriptions quickly after a death to stop charges. Companies will often refund recent payments if a family member shares a death certificate, but only if asked.

Tell Them Where Important Papers Live

~43s

Note the exact location of the original will, trust, durable power of attorney, health care directive, deed to the house, vehicle titles, military discharge papers, marriage certificate, divorce decrees, and any insurance policies. If you use a fireproof box at home, give the location and the combination. If you rent a safe deposit box at the bank, name the bank, the box number, and who is authorized to open it. Many people store their original will with the attorney who drafted it. If that is your plan, list the firm name and phone number. The clearer you are, the less digging your family has to do.

Quick Tip

Photograph important documents and save them to a secure cloud folder shared with the executor. Paper can be lost in a fire or flood, but a digital backup survives.

Write Down Your Funeral and Burial Wishes

~45s

This part is hard but valuable. Tell your family what kind of service you want, where you want to be buried or cremated, what cemetery plot or columbarium space you have already paid for, what hymns or songs to play, what verses or readings to use, who to invite to speak, and whether you want a viewing. If you have prepaid for a funeral, name the funeral home and attach the contract. Mention any veterans benefits you qualify for. Veterans Affairs covers a basic burial in a national cemetery, a headstone, and a flag for the casket at no cost. The hospice or funeral home can also help families apply.

Quick Tip

Keep your wishes specific but not rigid. Add a line that says, If circumstances make any of this hard, my family should adjust as they need. That kindness lifts a weight.

Share Personal Messages and Memories

~37s

Use a few pages to write directly to the people you love. A note to your spouse, each child, each grandchild, and any close friends is a gift many families treasure for decades. Talk about what they have meant to you, what you hope for their future, and any wisdom you want to pass along. Keep it positive. Even a handful of sentences for each person is plenty. Some seniors record a short video for each grandchild and store the file with the letter. Others paste in a photo. There is no wrong way.

Warning

Avoid using the letter to settle old grievances or criticize relatives. Words written here will outlive you and shape how you are remembered.

Store the Letter Where Family Can Find It

~39s

Put the finished letter in a clearly labeled envelope or folder marked LETTER OF INSTRUCTION. Store it with your other important papers, not inside a safe deposit box, since the box may be sealed at the moment of death in some states. Tell your executor and one trusted family member exactly where to find it. Update the letter once a year, on a memorable date such as your birthday or New Year's Day. Shred old versions so no one follows outdated wishes. Each new version should be dated at the top and signed at the bottom.

Quick Tip

Pair the yearly update with reviewing your will, your beneficiary designations, and your homeowner's insurance. Half a Saturday once a year keeps everything aligned.

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A letter of instruction is the practical companion to your will or trust. It is not a legal document. It does not need a lawyer, a notary, or witnesses. It is a plain, heartfelt note from you to the people who will handle your affairs, telling them where everything is and what you want done. Done well, a letter of instruction saves your family hundreds of hours and many tears during the weeks after a death. Done poorly, or never written at all, it leaves your loved ones hunting through filing cabinets, calling banks, and guessing at your wishes during the worst days of their lives.

The letter is for the people, not the courts. It can include passwords, account numbers, the location of the safe deposit key, the name of your accountant, the phone number of your minister, the song you want played at your service, and the name of the friend who should be told first. It can also include your reasoning for any unusual decisions in your will, such as leaving more to one child than another, so your family hears the explanation in your own voice rather than guessing.

Most estate planning attorneys recommend writing the letter once you finish your will or trust, and then updating it every year or two. The letter often ends up being three to ten pages long. Some families use a fillable template. Others write it in long-hand. Some record a short video to go with it. There is no single right format. The goal is clarity. Imagine your spouse, your adult child, or your closest friend opening the letter the day after your funeral. What do they need to know? What questions will they ask first?

This guide walks through what to include, what to leave out, where to keep the letter, and how to update it over time. We also include a starter outline you can copy and fill in over a quiet weekend.

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